Betrayal

It is one of the most difficult things to cope with in a relationship. Sexual and relational betrayal can feel like a gut punch and leave you feeling helpless, hurt, and questioning everything you thought you knew about your spouse and your relationship. It can be hard to understand why someone you loved and trusted would hurt you in such a way. One question that may keep running through your mind is “but why?” Why did your spouse betray you? Was it because you weren’t good enough or beautiful enough? How can you cope with this crisis when your emotions are all over the place and you can’t understand why it happened?

The Truth of It…

The truth is that betrayal is never the fault of the person who was betrayed. No matter what your spouse may have said or done, it was their decision to betray you, and you should not blame yourself for their actions. It is important to remember that you are enough, and that your worth is not defined by your spouse’s actions.

There are many reasons why a person might betray their partner, and those reasons for betrayal are complex and deeply personal to the individual who committed the act.  There are so many nuances to each individual story of betrayal…it’s not a one size fits all, and there could be factors within the betrayer that will never be understood.  Many times they have hidden things they are embarrassed about (porn use, online relationships, hidden kinks, etc), and they will NEVER share those with ANYONE.  Over time, those things grow inside, causing them to be someone internally that you’d never know externally.  If this continues long enough without accountability on their part, and without them working on resolving those things, it will ultimately be who they become.  And when they do become someone different inside than outside, creating an image of perfection outwardly while living inwardly like a monster, eventually it will all come out, and then you’ll realize too late there was nothing you could do.  And many times, they will turn to living two lives — 1. they’ll live their perfect little family life & 2. they’ll live their secret hidden deceptive life. So…is NOT your fault!  NO MATTER WHAT issues the partner who betrayed you had, it is NO EXCUSE for the actions they did.  NOT. AT. ALL.  So, any ‘reasons’ I even mention here are NOT excuses for them — they have no excuse for what they did.

Coping in the Aftermath

When you are coping with the aftermath of betrayal, it can be difficult to know how to navigate your emotions. You may feel angry, sad, confused, and overwhelmed all at once. It is important to give yourself time to process your feelings and to seek support from others who can help you cope. This might include a trusted friend or family member, a therapist or counselor, or a support group for people who have experienced similar betrayals.

One way to cope with the pain of betrayal is to practice self-care. This means taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating well, and exercising regularly. It can also be helpful to engage in activities that you enjoy, such as reading, listening to music, or spending time in nature. This can help to boost your mood and reduce stress.

Another important tool for coping with betrayal is to practice forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean condoning or excusing your spouse’s behavior. Rather, it means choosing to let go of the anger and resentment that you feel towards them. Forgiveness can be a powerful way to release the negative emotions that are holding you back and to move forward with your life.

It is important to note, however, that forgiveness is a process and it may take time to work through your feelings. You may find it helpful to work with a therapist or counselor to explore your emotions and to develop strategies for forgiveness.

Other Tools…

In addition to self-care and forgiveness, there are other tools that can help you cope with the aftermath of betrayal. One such tool is journaling. I’ve mentioned this before in my writing, and I talk about this a lot in my ebook, “Setting Boundaries: Finding Peace in Betrayal Trauma”, but it’s been such a helpful tool for me that I have to mention it again.  Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be a powerful way to process your emotions and to gain clarity on what you are feeling. You might also find it helpful to create a list of goals or aspirations for your future. This can help you to focus on the positive and to envision a future for yourself that is not defined by the betrayal.

Another tool that can be helpful is mindfulness meditation and prayer. Mindfulness meditation involves focusing your attention on the present moment, without judgment. This can help to reduce stress and anxiety and to increase feelings of calm and well-being. There are many resources available online that can guide you through mindfulness meditation practices, or you might consider working with a therapist or counselor who is trained in mindfulness techniques.  Prayer is another meditative tool that can be very powerful in my experience.  It’s a way to focus on thanking God for GOOD things even in the middle of the bad, which helps us become more positive, and it’s a way to bring our requests and pains to the God of the universe, which helps release it out of our hands and into the hands of a being much more capable of handling our pain.

When coping with betrayal, it is also important to remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. It may take time to work through your emotions and to regain a sense of trust and security in your relationships. It is normal to have good days and bad days, and to experience setbacks along the way. Remember to be patient with yourself and to give yourself the time and space that you need to heal.

Choosing to Stay?

If you’ve read my ebook mentioned above, you’ve already read that after learning of betrayal in my own marriage, I made the VERY difficult choice to stay in the marriage.  I had put nearly 30 years into this relationship, so I was bound and determined to figure out how to heal and move beyond the pain and grow together with my husband on a new venture after betrayal…to find forgiveness, healing, reconciliation, and hopefully an even stronger marriage moving forward. I KNEW it would be hard, and there were days I wanted to RUN as fast as I could in the other direction.  But, I am by nature very loyal, and I believe in marriage, so I stayed…WITH the caveat that my husband of course had to do the necessary things to heal and change so we could grow and heal.

When you are choosing to stay in the relationship, it is also important to communicate with your spouse about how their actions have affected you. This can be a difficult conversation to have, but it is important to be honest and open about your feelings. Your spouse may be willing to work with you to repair the relationship, or they may not be willing. Regardless of the outcome, it is important to prioritize your own emotional well-being and to make decisions that are in your best interest.

If you do decide to work on repairing the relationship, it can be helpful to seek the assistance of a trained therapist or counselor. A therapist can help you and your spouse to communicate more effectively, to address underlying issues in the relationship, and to develop strategies for rebuilding trust.

Ultimately my situation didn’t turn out like I had hoped.  I was in it for the long haul, and I made it clear I wasn’t going anywhere.  Sadly, after about a year where I thought my spouse was really wanting to repair the marriage too, it became very clear… The actions simply didn’t backup the words, and after another 2 years of me being in ‘limbo’, I was served divorce papers.  But…what I CAN say is that I fought the good fight.  I can now say with confidence that I did EVERYTHING I could to save the marriage even though I wasn’t at fault.  With my personality of NEVER GIVING UP on something, I can honestly say that I have no feelings of regret on my part.  If I had thrown in the towel the instant I found out all of the horrific details of the years of betrayal, lies, deception, awful acts, affairs, and just so many ugly details, well, personally I would have always wondered…“What COULD have been???  What kind of help could we as a couple be to others in this same kind of pain?”  So, I didn’t give up until there was nothing else I could do and it was decided for me — it was decided when those papers were served to me. <sniff>

So, it is with great love and empathy that I say to be prepared for a long journey either way.  I don’t say this to discourage, I say this to bring reality to your situation.  The reality is it will take 18-24 months if not much longer to get to a place where you feel like you might actually survive!  It took me this long and LONGER!  Because healing from betrayal trauma is not linear…it is ALL OVER THE PLACE!

SO, GIVE YOURSELF MASSIVE GRACE!!

Betrayal in Many Forms

Betrayal can take many different forms, and it can be helpful to examine some examples to understand the range of emotions and challenges that can arise.

One common example of betrayal is infidelity. When a partner engages in an affair, it can be devastating for the other partner. The betrayed partner may experience feelings of anger, sadness, betrayal, and self-doubt. They may also struggle with trust issues and struggle to move past the infidelity.  GRIEF is very strong, and a betrayed spouse will go through all the stages of grief many times over!

Another example of betrayal is when a partner lies or withholds information. This can take many forms, from small lies about daily activities to more significant lies about finances or past relationships, or even lies around infidelity and affairs. When a partner lies or withholds information, it can lead to a breakdown in trust and communication, and it can be challenging to rebuild the relationship.

Betrayal can also occur in friendships, other family members, and professional relationships. For example, if a friend shares personal information in confidence, and then that information is shared with others, it can lead to feelings of betrayal and hurt. Similarly, if a colleague takes credit for your work or undermines you in a professional setting, it can be a form of betrayal that can impact your self-esteem and professional reputation.

Regardless of the type of betrayal, the emotional fallout can be significant. It’s important to take the time to process your emotions, seek support, and prioritize self-care. With time and effort, it is possible to heal from the pain of betrayal and move forward in a positive and healthy way.

Stories of Betrayal

There are many past and current stories of betrayal (including my own), and these stories can offer insight into the challenges of coping with betrayal and finding a path to healing and forgiveness. Here are some examples:

1. • Joseph’s Brothers Betray Him: In the book of Genesis, Joseph’s brothers betray him by selling him into slavery. Joseph was his father’s favorite son, and his brothers were jealous of him. They plotted against him and sold him into slavery in Egypt. Joseph experienced great hardship and injustice, but he ultimately forgave his brothers and was able to reconcile with them. This story highlights the power of forgiveness and the importance of healing and reconciliation.
   • David Betrays Uriah: In the book of 2 Samuel, King David betrays Uriah, one of his soldiers, by having an affair with Uriah’s wife, Bathsheba, and then arranging for Uriah to be killed in battle. David’s actions were motivated by lust and power, and his betrayal led to a great deal of suffering for Bathsheba and her family. However, David ultimately repented and sought forgiveness from God, demonstrating the possibility of redemption and healing even in the face of serious betrayal.
   • My Spouse Betrayed Me:  In my own personal storybook, which I know so well, my husband of almost 30 years, who was my best friend, my lover, my everything…and who I thought reciprocated those things — well…I discovered things that lead to much deeper digging and discovery — leading me to find out there had been years of so many disturbing acts and betrayals against me that it killed me inside. Besides being so deeply betrayed, I was so blindsided by it — I thought he loved me deeply, and I loved him deeply.  I LOVED our marriage and I loved him with every fiber in my being.  It was the most gut-wrenching thing to find that the ONE who I thought I knew inside and out was actually someone I didn’t know at all!  He was a complete stranger who’d lived a double life, and that took a LOT to move beyond.  The highlight of my story is that not all betrayal stories end in redemption.  Although I tried so so hard to reconcile and to forgive and stand by him while he got help, ultimitely he didn’t choose me in the end — so where some stories beautifully end in redemption and reconciliation, mine did not.  But I still have the choice to forgive and not hate — it doesn’t mean I am required to still be in deep friendship, as that is very unsafe for me, and not recomended by therapists & those I trust.  But, the choice IS mine whether I stay in a place of resentment, or whether I let that all go, give it to God, and decide to move forward.

1. These stories offer powerful examples of the pain and complexity of betrayal, as well as the importance of forgiveness, possible reconciliation, & healing…whether that means healing the relationship itself, or healing yourself from the depths of hurt and pain caused by the betrayal. While the journey towards healing may be difficult, these stories offer hope that it is possible to move past even the most serious forms of betrayal and find a path forward!

You Are Not Alone!

Ultimately, the most important thing to remember when coping with betrayal is that you are not alone. There are many resources available to help you navigate this difficult time, and there are many people who have gone through similar experiences (um…ME!) and have come out the other side stronger and more resilient.

In conclusion, betrayal is one of the most painful experiences that a person can go through, and in particular, betrayal of a spouse emotionally and sexually is [according to my own counselor], one of the deepest betrayals a person will ever experience. When coping with the aftermath of betrayal, it is important to remember that it is not your fault and that you are enough. It is also important to practice self-care, forgiveness, and to use tools such as journaling, mindfulness meditation, and therapy to help you navigate your emotions and to heal. Remember that healing is a journey, and that it may take time to regain a sense of trust and security in your relationship. Most importantly, know that you are not alone, and that there is help and support available to help you through this difficult time.