I was drowning. In panic. In fear. In doubt. In insecurity. In mental chaos. In triggers. In rage. In despair. In severe and complex PTSD overwhelm. In AGONIZING PAIN. And I was drowning for a long time…LONGER than I expected, and at a DEEPER level than I could have imagined. NOBODY ever told me it would be this bad! And who WOULD have? Nobody in my life around me (that I was aware of) had gone through this — the AGONIZING PAIN of betrayal trauma, and the MYRIAD of effects it has on the mind and body. I was headed into this ALONE! And BOY did I feel extremely alone at times! But I wasn’t alone — I had my family, my friends, & my faith…I just needed to actually utilize them. I didn’t want to speak out…so I was alone for longer than I needed to be. But once I did start reaching out for help, THAT was when I started to really open my eyes to this thing called ‘setting boundaries’.
This one simple trick [setting boundaries] has helped me learn to treat myself with the respect God showed me when he created me. Setting boundaries SAVED ME (I’ll explain how)…even if it’s wasn’t always easy.
This process of setting healthy boundaries is what has helped me gain momentum towards the things I want moving forward in life instead of getting stuck in the “I’m worthless” mentality. I learned that setting boundaries was OK, and in fact, it was NECESSARY…
What I Learned about Setting Boundaries…
TOP Betrayal Trauma expert, Rick Reynolds, LCSW, gives this illustration :
“If someone steps on my foot, depending on how hard they stomp on it, I’ll either whisper or yell, “Ouch!” If they do it over and over again, I’ll tell them they’re hurting my foot and they need to stop doing that. The process includes telling them that their actions are hurting me, and they need to stop before they hurt me again. I may even tell them what I’m going to do to avoid being stepped on, or if they don’t stop, what further action or what consequence they will face.
At that point I’ve set the ‘don’t step on my foot’ boundary. Notice that my actions aren’t aimed at changing them, but rather in protecting my foot, as well as our relationship. The other person will ultimately have to decide whether or not they’re going to alter their behavior, but at least I’ve warned them and have taken important steps to protect myself.” [see full article here]
This is how I first began to learn that by NOT setting boundaries, I was ALLOWING myself to be hurt again and again and again. Almost by choice. When I think about it, I’d NEVER let someone stomp on my foot again and again without doing something about it — I’d either move out of the way, stomp back…SOMETHING. I’d never just stand there and take it again and again. Yet that’s EXACTLY what I did to myself in betrayal trauma. I FEARED setting boundaries would cause further anger in my mate, cause my mate to leave, or disturb the peace. But what I was actually doing was allowing myself to be abused again and again and again, and I’d keep taking it and taking it trying to internally just forgive without saying anything, living in silence, and becoming more and more beaten down and bruised with every abusive action that occurred.
Making the shift…
So, how do you make that shift from FEAR to ACTION when it comes to setting boundaries? Recognizably, as I write this, I’m very much talking around boundaries in relation to betrayal trauma, but these boundaries are applicable to any relationship that has been a danger to you…other family members, friendships, co-workers, etc. But, these below things are KEY to helping you make a shift and take the action that will bring healing!
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- First of all, it takes recognizing that it’s OK to set boundaries
- Secondly, it takes recognizing that not only is it OK to set boundaries, but it is NECESSARY — it’s necessary for your OWN healing, and for the other person to realize they can’t keep hurting you and get away with it
- Once you’ve recognized these first 2 things, it’s important to be CLEAR with the other person what it is they’re doing that is hurting you, traumatizing you, or bringing you unsafety, or fear. Be sure they understand it clearly. If they do, and they choose to take responsibility for it, you’re on a good path to the next steps. If they DON’T take responsibility, you STILL have to adhere to your boundary, but it might be that any reconciliation that may have occurred if they had been humble and taken responsibility MAY not occur, sadly.
- Either way, you now have to clearly let them know you need them to stop doing what they’re doing so that you can feel safe and gain the healing necessary in your relationship. This is NOT about control or about governing someone else’s life, but it IS about your own protection and safety from the hurtful acts the other person has done to you. If the other person truly recognizes the pain they’ve inflicted on you, they will be sorrowful and will be willing to do whatever is necessary to help you feel safe in the relationship. They will give up whatever it is you’re asking them to give up, or they will stop doing whatever it is they are doing that hurts or abuses you. This would be best case scenario. However, not every relationship will work this way, and it may be that the betrayer or ‘hurter’ just can’t see past their own selves…they may tell you they won’t be controlled, and that they should get to live their life however they want, that they are an adult, or that you shouldn’t be so sensitive. You will clearly know from this type of behavior that you are not safe and that the offense or offenses they’ve done against you will likely continue. At this point, you will have to draw further boundaries and there will be consequences for their choice not to stop their abusive or hurtful actions.
- You can’t change them. You can’t change them. You can’t change them. No matter HOW BADLY you want it for them, for you, or for your relationship, you can’t change them. Oh how I wish you could. But you just cannot enter another person’s body and take control of their decisions and actions. So at this point, you have to make choices to protect yourself and your own healing journey. They have chosen NOT to be a part of your healing journey because they’ve chosen to ignore your boundaries, so you then have to protect yourself. AGAIN…I REPEAT, this is NOT controlling them, this is protecting yourself! So, for example, if the other person refuses to adhere to your boundaries, there has to be consequences…NOT to control them, but to be safe yourself. So, it may be that you’ll have to distance or separate yourself from that person so you can find safety, or you may have another consequence that will be the result of them not adhering to your boundaries, but YOU will find safety in staying strong regardless of what they decide to do with it.
As I unfold my story of trauma on my blog posts, I will be sharing more on the effects of trauma on the brain, and the ways I found to help manage the mental trauma and pain. For now, this infographic is just a simple 4-step process that helped me work on next steps. Also, fill out the form below to stay up-to-date as I continue to share my story over time…
SOMETIMES, the consequence connected to the boundary they chose to ignore will be JUST the thing that will bring them back to their senses, and they’ll realize they’ve been wrong, & that they’ve damaged you beyond belief. They will feel sorrow about what they’ve done to you, and they will come back to you with sincere humility and sorrow. They will NOT make it about themselves, they will make it about YOU and your pain. They will essentially ‘die’ to self, and they will do everything in their power to help you heal.
However, this doesn’t always happen, and it may be that they will set their jaw instead & cling to their ‘right’ to do as they please, ‘blame shift’ to try to make it your fault, make YOU the one who’s in the wrong, and they will make it all about themselves and how they have ‘rights’. Sadly, you won’t be able to convince them of anything, no matter how hard you try. They will naturally pull away from you, find new friends who support their ‘rights’, and they will continue to hurt and destroy you if you let them.
So, I Said That ‘Setting Boundaries’ Saved Me…How so?
If you’ve experienced the pain of betrayal trauma, or the pain of narcissistic abuse by a partner, a parent, a friend, a coworker, other family member, or a turbulent relationship of any kind, you’ll understand the turmoil involved with it. You’ll understand how it messes with your brain. In fact, if it’s bad enough, it actually can give you PTSD. In my case, I was diagnosed with Severe and Complex PTSD after the pain of betrayal trauma — all the gaslighting, lies, deception, & betrayal involved was SO incredibly painful and disconcerting to my sense of what was ‘normal, true, and good’ in my relationship causing my brain to be damaged to a degree I had to get a lot of help, spend a lot of money, and grow a LOT. Unfortunately, when you deal with such massive pain and loss and TRAUMA, your brain can’t properly regulate itself, and you’ll find yourself spinning out of control mentally as you try to make sense of all the terror in your life. It literally makes you feel like you don’t even know who you are anymore…you don’t feel like yourself at ALL…if it’s bad enough you may even want to die.
So…HOW DID SETTING BOUNDARIES SAVE ME? Setting Boundareis saved me because I was finally able to get to a point of safety where I could work on myself! I KNEW what boundaries would make me feel safe, and I learned to stick to them. When I was able to stick to the boundaries I had set, I was able to gain back some control of my own ability to respond and heal. I was able to start the process of getting help for my PTSD and learn how to manage it and regulate the MYRIAD of emotions that had erupted from the trauma. The RAGE I dealt with that I’d NEVER experienced before in my life, the SPINNING out of control feeling I’d NEVER experienced in my life, the PAIN worse than the death of a loved one (I know, cuz I’ve had both) — ALL those things that setting boundaries helped with because I was finally able to start piecing together a plan of ‘dealing and healing’ because I could focus on ME and what I needed. And IF the boundaries I set were ignored, the consequence attached to that boundary would still give me the freedom to continue on in my healing journey, EVEN if the outcome wasn’t at all what I desired. But…taking my desired outcome OUT of the picture and focusing on what would make me safe and protect me was what helped bring regularity to my senses and my traumatized condition.
So, I encourage you…find the courage to set boundaries! I can tell you from a very raw personal experience that it was the FIRST thing that started helping me move toward healing. Without boundaries I just continued spinning and spinning and spinning in my pain and trauma! So…although it is REALLY HARD to start setting boundaries, take that first step. As you practice your muscle of sticking to those boundaries, it’ll get easier and easier and you’ll start to find more and more peace in your life which will in turn allow you to begin the process of actually healing your brain from the massive trauma you’ve been experiencing! If you’re scared…I SEE YOU!! I was so afraid that I could barely function at times. But…with each boundary I stuck to, I felt stronger and braver. If you’d like to REALLY dive in more deeply to learning all about setting healthy boundaries, having checklists for self-care, and guides to assist you along the way, I highly encourage you to purchase my newly published ebook — Setting Boundaries: Finding Peace in Betrayal Trauma. In this ebook, I dive much more deeply into my own story of betrayal trauma, what steps I took, what worked, what didn’t work, and I lay it all out for you! If you’re someone who’s suffered the effects of betrayal trauma (whether it’s a spouse, a friend, parent, or relationship of any kind), I know this ebook will help you. If you know someone who needs help in this area, perhaps gift them this ebook as a help to them…because sometimes when you’re in the middle of the deepest darkest hole, you don’t even know what you need. Be that friend and gift it to them. It really could be the thing that jump-starts their peace and healing journey!
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