Solitude. A lonely word. Or is it?
Solitude can be a bad thing. At times it can be a good thing. Sometimes it’s difficult to know whether we’re in a good place or a bad place of solitude, so it can be tricky figuring out if we’re isolating in an unhealthy way or using the solitude as a place to reflect and grow. I’m gonna give some thoughts around it because, well, this is my blog, and so therefore, I can give my thoughts, right? LOL
Some of My Own Story
Solitude for me has come in waves. For a number of years before I knew my husband had been betraying me, I felt lonely. I had a house full of people, but I felt very much alone. I didn’t know why, and I didn’t reach out to anyone. I just isolated myself further. I crawled into my shell, I tucked myself into just doing that ‘mom’ and ‘wife’ thing, and I tried to make everyone in my home happy. But, I was losing myself.
I was in-between things with my business. I had sold my physical fitness business and was working on launching some online health and wellness tools. So not only was I no longer seeing the women I had been training every day, I was also working on a business that was very much behind a computer and a video camera. I was ‘talking to’ people, but not ‘talking with’ people. So I was kind of in a weird place there as well.
I don’t know about you, but I find it much more natural for me to pull away from the world (aka, people) than to press into the world (aka, people LOL). I can easily live inside my own head quietly just ‘doing the do’. And…this is exactly what I did for a number of years.
I do believe that was an unhealthy version of solitude. As this weekend happens to be Easter weekend, I’m reminded even more of Jesus and things he has said and done. He has said, ‘bear one another’s burdens’ meaning that we should be in community, talking, hearing other’s sorrows, and sharing our own. A proverb says ‘Whoever isolates himself pursues his own selfish desires; He rejects all practical wisdom. [Proverbs 18:1] So, when we isolate ourselves, we are in danger of thinking unwisely, even foolishly, possibly bringing injury to our own selves. I believe this to be true based on what isolation during that time did to me. I found myself being SO INTERNAL that I started talking all kinds of lies to myself. Not outwardly, but inwardly. I had nobody to talk to, so I chatted daily inside my own head. ‘Kelly, you’re all alone. Kelly, you’re not good enough. Kelly, you’re so dumb. Kelly, you’re worthless. Kelly, nobody would care if you left this world. Kelly, you’re not pretty. Kelly, you’re failing at so many things.’ And on and on that conversation would go on in my head.
NOT. A. GOOD. VERSION. OF. SOLITUDE.
Solitude Used for Good
I can’t talk about solitude used for good without referencing some things Jesus did in his lifetime here on earth so many years ago. Maybe you don’t believe in Jesus. Maybe at the very least you believe he existed as a good man in history but don’t believe he came as our Savior. I’m not here to argue these beliefs…that’s for a different convo. 🙂 But, I do believe in this area of solitude, we can find some good wisdom around how solitude can be used in good ways, and I see these examples Jesus gave and/or used as some really great advice for us today. And…as it IS Easter weekend, what better time to bring Jesus into the picture anyway. ✟ So, let’s go…
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Some interesting things I note about Solitude and how it can be used it for good:
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- Jesus used solitude when he needed to prepare for a HUGE job or challenge. He spent 40 days in the wilderness praying in solitude — this was all during the time he was tempted strongly by Satan. He knew he needed to prepare himself for the task at hand, and he chose to do so through prayer, solitude, & mental preparation… [Luke 4:1-2]
- At times, Jesus encouraged solitude of his own disciples in order to RECHARGE…to rest. He had sent them out to do their tasks of ministy, but when Jesus returned to them, he encouraged them to get away from people and rest…to find quiet and solitude. [Mark 6:30-32]
- Jesus talks about going to a place of quiet and solitude as a way to work through grief. When he heard that his dear friend and relative John the Baptist had been killed, he went away by himself on a boat, to a place of quiet and solitude to work through that grief. [Matthew 14:1-13]
- Even Jesus had to make big decisions. I try to remind myself of this when I feel overwhelmed with making decisions. HA But…I see an example where before Jesus chose his 12 disciples, he spent the entire night alone, in solitude…in prayer. The very next morning, he chose his 12 disciples. HUGE decision! [Luke 6:12-13]
- Right before he was betrayed and arrested, he went to the Mount of Olives…AWAY from everyone…to be alone in solitude and pray. He knew he was facing the cross, and he was in agony emotionally and mentally KNOWING what was ahead of him. He used solitude for good in a time of great distress. [Luke 22:39-44]
- Luke 5:16 says, ‘But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed’. So, he specifically went into solitude just to pray.
What I have personally found…
As I think about solitude and the times in my own life where I’ve found to be harmful versus helpful, a common thread I find is that when I use solitude as a way to just AVOID life and get inside my own head, focusing on negative things, not reaching out to people in my life who can help me refocus on truths rather than lies, THAT is when it is harmful. Rather than using solitude as a way to mentally heal through prayer, through healthy reflection, or through just plain old rest, I allow myself to become lonely, agitated, hateful of my own self, more overwhelmed than ever, and just plain miserable.
Where is My Focus?
Focusing on these kinds of things (loneliness, agitation, hating myself, massive overwhelm, misery) in solitude cause me to direct all of my attention on the hurts that have been done to me that have caused me to at times believe so many things that aren’t true.
On this Easter weekend, as I think about Jesus himself and how he was SO betrayed by one of his own disciples, I can’t help but look back on what he did. He didn’t focus on how horrible a man he must be to have been betrayed by one of his closest friends. He didn’t focus on how worthless he was, how ugly he must be, how alone he was, what a failure he was, or ANYTHING like that. The reality is that he took the betrayal like a champ. Sure, we could say ‘well, he was Jesus, he was perfect.’ Yep. But, he also willingly subjected himself to human emotion and pain, which is referenced all throughout the Bible. So his focus clearly was NOT on the hurts done to him or on the feelings of inadequacy those hurts caused him.
In times of distress, times of grief, times of needing to make big decisions, times of needing rest, times of preparation, or times of prayer, he went into solitude to focus on healing…not on judging those who had hurt him, not on judging his own self and how he must have felt being so betrayed, not on anything but simply the healing act of separating himself away to heal.
The Power Solitude Brings Me
What I notice about so many of the times Jesus went into solitude was that he went in solitude specifically to pray. You may not be a ‘praying’ individual. You may even ‘poo poo’ it. That’s your prerogative. That’s your choice. We GET to choose what we believe and do in this life. That’s the beauty of how we were created. So, I can only speak about me. I can only share my experiences and how I’ve become convinced of the powerful healing prayer can bring. You don’t have to agree with me or do anything I talk about in this blog…your choice. My experience, however, has been that prayer has healed me in so many ways. And…I don’t mean ‘flowery out loud prayers’ that others can hear and be enamoured with all of my beautifully worded spiritual verbiage and great theolological rhetoric.
I’m talking prayers in solitude where it’s NOTHING like any great speech or rhetoric or formal spiritual kind of ANYTHING! I’m talking ‘guts poured out on the floor’ kind of prayers. I’m talking taking a drive in my car and SCREAMING to God. I’m talking lying on all fours with my face to the dirty ground, weeping so hard I’m unable to speak or barely breathe. I’m talking about taking walks talking to God, baring my SOUL to him. With tears, with anger, with questions, with requests, with begging and pleading.
And I’m also talking about prayers where I choose to thank him. I choose to force myself to find the good things even when the distress or grief is great. And I’m talking about prayers where I focus my attention on others as well. Praying for my children, for my dear friends who are grieving, for our world that is sick and becoming sicker by the day. I find when I choose to pray and focus on gratefulness, focus on others, focus on just talking to God about all of my struggles, I find a peace in that prayerful solitude that I don’t ever find elsewhere. Even though I don’t always walk away from my prayers with answers, I DO walk away knowing I am not alone. Even when I AM alone, I am not alone. Never. This kind of healthy solitude is good for me. It’s been my experience, and I continue to do it because of how much healing power it has had in my own life of deep deep betrayal and blinding pain.
My Conclusion & Encouragement
So…from my own experience, you can see that solitude has at times been harmful to me, and at times has been very helpful for me. I have to be so careful to evaluate those times — am I going into solitude because I am focusing on prayer, healing, rest? Or am I going into solitude to avoid people, speak lies to myself, and tear myelf down?
My experience has been that solitude while focusing on positive things has been so GOOD! Grounding myself in nature, taking a walk, talking with a friend, serving others, writing out gratitudes, writing in my journal, and doing many of these things while focusing in on prayer have all been ways that solitude has been so so so healing for me.
Now I just need to remember to stay AWAY from the negative solitude more often. Can I get an AMEN?? LOL
