Introduction

Because betrayal is a deeply distressing experience that shakes the foundation of trust and intimacy in relationships, it leaves both the betrayed and the betrayer grappling with a range of conflicting emotions. Ambivalence, the state of experiencing mixed feelings, is not exclusive to the betrayed; it also affects the betrayer. The duality of these emotions can be overwhelming, making it challenging to navigate the path towards healing and growth. In this blog post, I will delve into the concept of ambivalence after betrayal, explore its manifestations, and offer strategies to help embrace the journey of healing and personal transformation. I’ll delve into the complexity of ambivalence after betrayal, exploring the emotions that both the betrayed and the betrayer may encounter. By understanding the inner turmoil we can gain insights into the multifaceted nature of betrayal.

Ambivalence is a psychological phenomenon that arises when we experience contradictory emotions simultaneously. After betrayal, we may find ourselves torn between love and anger, forgiveness and resentment, or trust and skepticism. This emotional tug-of-war can leave us feeling stuck, unable to move forward. Recognizing and acknowledging these conflicting emotions is the first step towards understanding and working through ambivalence.

Manifestations of Ambivalence:

Ambivalence can manifest in various ways following betrayal. One common manifestation is the struggle between the desire to rebuild the relationship and the fear of being hurt again. This conflict often stems from a deep attachment to the betrayer, making it difficult to let go completely.

Another form of ambivalence arises when we question our own emotions and judgment. We may find ourselves doubting our ability to trust or love again. The inner battle between self-protection and vulnerability can be paralyzing, leading to emotional ambivalence.

Additionally, ambivalence may arise from the conflict between societal expectations and personal desires. We might feel pressure to forgive and move on quickly, even if we are not ready to do so. This conflict can further complicate our emotional state, adding to the ambivalence we experience.

Ambivalence for the Betrayed:

Shock and Disbelief: The initial reaction of the betrayed is often one of shock and disbelief. They may struggle to reconcile the actions of the betrayer with their perception of the person and the relationship. This shock can trigger a profound sense of ambivalence, as they oscillate between denial and acceptance of the betrayal. This also coincides with one of the first stages of grief, DENIAL.

I remember it oh so well. For me, I found out about the betrayal in stages. First, I found out that my betrayer no longer believed porn was destructive and that he in fact had a right to it no matter that it DEVASTATED me and made me feel worthless! I cried, I couldn’t believe it, and then I was frozen with denial that any part of that could be true. That lasted for several years. Then I was tired of being so lonely and isolated, so I started digging some more. I found more devastating things that were much deeper than the porn. I was scared…but was courageous enough to address it.  But it was met with massive anger, so I went back into fear and I let it go and FROZE again…still in disbelief and…DENIAL. Stage after stage I would find out another ‘next level’ betrayal until ultimately I found out all of the gory details. EVEN THEN, after hearing about all of the years of lies, manipulation, betrayals, abuse, affairs, and more…I was still in DENIAL. I mean…I thought I had this ‘perfect’ marriage. So I stayed in denial for a while, as if WILLING it not to be true!

Hurt and Betrayal: The primary emotions experienced by the betrayed are profound hurt and betrayal. The breach of trust can leave them feeling wounded, deceived, and emotionally shattered. They may vacillate between anger and sadness, causing a conflicting mix of emotions.

This quite honestly was one of the HARDEST parts of betrayal for me. I married at a young age of 21. I met the man of my dreams, and KNEW this would be a ’till death do us part’ union. By nature, I am a severely LOYAL person. If you’re in my circle of family or friends, I won’t breach that bond…certainly not purposely, anyway. I am human, so certainly I will not be perfect, but I will be very loyal. Loyalty means being devoted to someone, or having an allegiance to someone. Being a severely loyal person, I tend to also expect that in return. I actually have a very hard time understanding why people WOULDN’T be loyal! So, for my one and only love of my life husband of almost 30 years to breach my trust so despicably, and to be as disloyal as it gets, my world was SHATTERED! I went from being the most happy person who was generally calm and pretty even-keeled in my emotional state, to being lonely, incredibly sad, even depressed, then angry, swimming in a fog of disbelief and searching for ANYTHING that would show me that what had happened couldn’t POSSIBLY be true!

Love and Attachment: Despite the betrayal, the betrayed often grapples with residual feelings of love and attachment towards the betrayer. This ambivalence arises from the history and emotional investment in the relationship, making it challenging to detach completely.

Most certainly, when I found out the horrors of so many years of our marriage being a lie (all while I thought it was the best marriage ever), part of me wanted to run FAST in the other direction. And yet…as I had been a faithful, loyal, and committed wife, I also felt a sense of duty or commitment to continue to be loyal…to love my husband & forgive him despite what he’d done to me, and to stay and FIGHT for my marriage…to work on my own healing and do my best to support his healing. I wanted that DESPERATELY! And yet this wasn’t a straight line of feeling, because there would be days where I’d see his stupidity, his choices, his own broken way of processing things, and I would have a day where I’d really be DONE…I can’t do this anymore. I’m OVER it and OVER him! But…despite all of that, I still loved this man I’d spent a LIFETIME with, and I would always come back to choosing him. The issue over time was that I came to a place of realization that he was not actually doing the work to heal himself and change. So…was that still healthy for me to stay and continue being abused and beat down again and again? I struggled with that for a long time because I did NOT want to walk away from such a long marriage (almost 30 years). Ultimately, in the end, the choice didn’t end up needing to be mine because my husband decided he wanted something else…he wanted the hidden life he had been living, and he didn’t want wife and family.

Fear and Vulnerability: Betrayal leaves the betrayed feeling vulnerable and fearful of future relationships. They may struggle with the fear of being hurt again, leading to ambivalence between the desire for emotional connection and the fear of repeating past pain.

No doubt that fear is a huge part of ambivalence for the betrayed as well. In my own experience, I was afraid to trust my betrayer, I was afraid to trust myself…I was afraid to trust ANY man. I was afraid to be vulnerable with anyone, I was afraid to open myself up to a possible future with my husband even though I wanted that. This caused me to vasilate between REALLY wanting a renewed relationship with him and just wanting to be done because I feared he would hurt me again so deeply. This is a REALLY challenging thing to overcome.

Confusion and Self-Doubt: The betrayed may question their own judgment and instincts. They may experience a sense of confusion about their role in the betrayal and doubt their ability to trust again. This internal conflict can intensify ambivalence and hinder the healing process.

Let’s face it, sometimes in processing things in the aftermath of betrayal, there are so many questions, so many unknowns & so many doubts. Even MORE hugely, our gut that we used to be able to count on to help guide us was THRASHED. Through all of the lies and gaslighting, we were made to believe that we couldn’t trust our gut. This leads to a lot of confusion and questions. I felt all of this very strongly, and I doubted EVERYTHING.

Ambivalence for the Betrayer:

Guilt and Remorse: The betrayer often experiences intense guilt and remorse for their actions. They may be torn between regret for their betrayal and a desire to make amends. This ambivalence arises from the recognition of the pain they have caused, coupled with their own internal struggle to reconcile their actions.

Sometimes, bear in mind, while the betrayer MAY experience ambivalence due to guilt and remorse, there is also a chance that they are too prideful and arrogant to acknowledge their guilt and they may play the blame game. So beware: just because they may or may not experience guilt does NOT mean they’ll do the work to heal.  If they can’t come to grips with the fact they are the betrayer and OWN it, they may just sit in anger and blame.

Conflicting Desires: The betrayer may find themselves torn between conflicting desires. On one hand, they may still have feelings for the betrayed and long for reconciliation. On the other hand, they may feel the need for personal freedom or be drawn to external temptations — this may also include their deep desire to continue a relationship with their affair partner, which cuts the betrayed’s heart out for sure. This internal struggle adds to their ambivalence. SADLY, this is DEVASTATING for the betrayed because it causes an even STRONGER feeling of not being good enough & not being wanted. It’s a ROUGH trauma to heal from, but very possible with hard work.

Shame and Self-Reflection: Betrayers often grapple with feelings of shame and self-reflection. They may question their own values, integrity, and the choices they made. This introspection can lead to a complex mix of self-loathing and the desire to change, resulting in ambivalence. This CAN also be a good thing if they are in a good place of desire to do the right thing, because it can motivate them to walk away from the shameful behaviors with a renewed commitment to become the person they want to be. So it could potentially put a fire under them for real change. But…sadly, if they don’t let go of pride and ego, this can also cause them to become more angry, more defensive, and less caring about the hurt they’ve caused the betrayed. They can just become blaming and hurtful as they try to keep the persona of a ‘good person’ to those around them. This will cause them to more likely abandoning the relationship because they refuse to come to grips with the actual truth of what they’ve done.

Loss and Regret: While the betrayed experiences loss, the betrayer may also undergo a profound sense of loss. They may grieve the end of the relationship, the trust they once shared, and the potential future that has now been shattered. This sense of loss can contribute to their ambivalent emotional state.

Once again, it all comes down to the betrayers attitude and behavior regarding owning what they’ve done. If they struggle to own their guilt in being the betrayer, they will find themselves thinking only about their losses and their pain and their ‘woe is me’ feelings, and they will not be able to face the fact that all of the losses they are experiencing is due to their own choices. If they can’t own their choices, they won’t be able to own that the losses are also their fault, and they won’t be able to move forward to heal enough to come back to that relationship. If they think more about themselves than they do about the feelings of the person they have injured so deeply, that relationship won’t be able to heal.

Fear of Consequences: The betrayer may fear the consequences of their actions, including the loss of the betrayed’s love, social judgment, or legal ramifications. This fear can create ambivalence between the desire to rectify their mistakes and the fear of facing the consequences.

Again…this all comes down to being humble, taking FULL responsibility for their choices, and doing everything in their power to change, reassure the betrayed person that they are committed, & putting themself in a place of CLOSE accountability with a trusted counselor, friends who will hold them accountable — perhaps even a willingness to check themselves into a program where they go away to get help away from everyday life. If they are not humble, they’ll fear the consequences more than they’ll face the actual reality of what they’ve done, and they’ll play the blame game all day long, releasing themselves of responsibility.

Understanding and Compassion

Empathy for the Betrayed: Recognizing the complexity of emotions experienced by the betrayed can foster empathy and understanding. It is important to acknowledge their pain, validate their emotions, and provide a supportive space for them to heal.

Encouraging Accountability for the Betrayer: While understanding the betrayer’s ambivalence, it is crucial to hold them accountable for their actions. Encouraging self-reflection, remorse, and genuine efforts to make amends can be an integral part of their personal growth and the healing process.

Communication and Rebuilding Trust: Open and honest communication between the betrayed and the betrayer can help navigate the ambivalence on both sides. Rebuilding trust requires transparency, patience, and consistency in actions over time.

Seeking Professional Help: Both the betrayed and the betrayer can benefit from seeking therapy or counseling. A professional can provide guidance, facilitate healthy communication, and help navigate the complexities of ambivalence after betrayal.

Self-Reflection and Personal Growth: Both parties need to embark on their individual journeys of self-reflection and personal growth. This process involves examining the patterns and behaviors that contributed to the betrayal and working towards self-improvement and emotional healing.

Conclusion