Trust is Foundational

Trust is the foundation of any close relationship. When that trust is broken through lies, infidelity, or other forms of betrayal, it can shake you to your core. The aftermath of discovering a partner’s betrayal is often described as being in a fog – you feel dazed, confused, and unable to think clearly. Trying to process intense emotions like shock, grief, anger, and shame while also attempting to make major life decisions can be completely disorienting and can quite frankly feel impossible at times. Here’s an overview of the foggy psyche after betrayal trauma, and how to navigate through it:

Shattered Assumptions

Betrayal trauma shatters your most basic assumptions – that your partner loves and respects you, that you can trust them, that your life together has meaning. I mean, that sounds pretty basic, but it kind of is.  We never go into an intimate relationship assuming that we won’t trust one another…no, it’s a GIVEN that you’ll have the highest trust and feel the safest you’ve ever felt.  These beliefs of deep trust are so ingrained that having them annihilated makes you question everything you thought you knew to be true.

The very foundation of your reality feels fractured. New information sends your mind spinning as you retrace memories and analyze interactions, desperately trying to figure out what was real. You end up doubting yourself, the relationship, and your ability to discern truth from lies. In reality, it’s one of the most disorienting traumas anyone will face!  Don’t take this from me, even though I’ve FELT this having gone through it, but take it from my highly trained therapist who has worked with hundreds of individuals going through all kinds of trauma.  Her words…“betrayal trauma is one of the MOST devastating and MOST disorienting of traumas.  It’s the most difficult one for me to help my clients work through — even more than the trauma of war or the death of a loved one.”  HER words, not mine.

Hypervigilance & Obsessive Ruminating

In the aftermath of discovery, it’s common to cycle obsessively through the same repetitive thoughts, unable to concentrate on anything else. This serves as a form of hypervigilance, where you’re focused on detecting any potential lies or dangers. You become consumed with needing to know details, frantically analyzing conversations or events, hoping to finally make sense of it all. NOTHING makes sense and you NEED it to. 

This obsessive rumination is your mind’s way of trying to resolve contradictions between your old beliefs and the new traumatic information. However, it often leaves you feeling even more overwhelmed and confused.  It’s not possible for the brain to handle all of this new information that is devastating to your sense of trust…but you’ll try and try to make sense of it anyway!

Disassociation & Numbness

In an attempt to cope with the overwhelming emotions, you may mentally check out or feel numb at times. Your mind can only handle so much anguish before it dissociates as a form of self-protection. The side effect is this muted, detached, dreamlike state where you just go through the motions on autopilot. It makes it difficult to process information and think clearly. THUS, the FOG!  The world seems blurred and distant. You may wonder if you’re going crazy as moments of dissociation come and go.

Sleep Disturbances & Memory Issues

The relentless mental churning makes it hard to quiet your mind for sleep. Insomnia or restless sleep leaves you physically and emotionally depleted. Even when you manage to sleep, research shows betrayal trauma activates the fight-or-flight response, preventing you from reaching the deeper REM sleep that aids in memory formation. As a result, your short-term memory can suffer. You may struggle to recall simple words or information, leaving you feeling perpetually foggy.  This is an awful place to be because you DESIRE sleep so desperately so you can get away from all of the intrusive thoughts, however, sleep doesn’t often come.  And then when you do sleep, your sleep is often riddled with nightmares, which if horrifying and can cause you to wake in a panic or sweat.  There’s no way to get away from it, and this can be one of the most challenging effects of betrayal trauma!

Impaired Decision Making

With your cognitive abilities hampered by obsessive rumination, emotional overwhelm, and sleep deprivation, making sound decisions feels impossible. You’re simultaneously grappling with grief over the past and uncertainty about the future. Your judgement is clouded by shifting emotions. What seems like the right choice one moment plunges you into regret or confusion the next. Being expected to make major life decisions – about reconciling, divorcing, finances, custody – in this state sets you up for self-doubt and second-guessing later on. 

And an even more challenging factor in all of this is that where you once had someone to bounce ideas off of (your partner), you suddenly are facing all of it alone.  You have to make all of these decisions and you can’t even process them because of how hampered your cognitive abilities are.  It makes you feel like you’re walking in a living nightmare.  No joke!

Profound Isolation

Feeling unable to trust your own perceptions leaves you profoundly alone. There’s a sense no one can truly understand what you’re going through, including family and friends urging you to just leave or get over it. You may feel alienated from the person who betrayed you, once your closest confidante. The isolation compounds the emotional anguish and disorientation. Healing betrayal trauma requires connection, whether through trusted loved ones, counseling, or support groups.

Navigating the Fog

Give yourself grace. The aftermath of betrayal is perhaps the most disorienting and challenging situation a person can face. Be compassionate with yourself when you feel lost, indecisive, or crazy. Acknowledge your mind and body are doing their best to survive a major trauma.

Prioritize self-care. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, nutrition, hydration, exercise, and social connection. Combat isolation by sharing your feelings with empathetic listeners. Tend to your mind, body, and spirit. This builds resilience for navigating the fog.

Seek professional help. A counselor who understands betrayal trauma can provide invaluable guidance for safely expressing emotions, making decisions, identifying patterns, and recovering. Having an objective expert’s input eases self-doubt. Therapy provides a clarity otherwise missing.

Redefine the new normal. Accept this altered reality and rebuild a routine that gives you a sense of control. Maintain practical structures like work, social events, and new activities. Find the pace and flow that feels right for you day to day. Don’t judge yourself for what that looks like in this season.

Sit with uncertainty. Resist pressure to make irreversible big-picture decisions until the fog lifts. Let things settle. Unless continual abuse, violence, or infidelity with minors is involved, take time to process before determining next steps. Future clarity will come.

Know reconciliation takes years. If attempting to reconcile, understand it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Work through betrayal is complex and nonlinear. Expect periods of feeling lost and confused, and lapses in trust. Renewal of faith in your partner builds slowly, based on demonstrated change.

Focus inward. Ultimately, betrayal trauma recovery requires finding your own inner compass to navigate choices. Once the fog clears, you’ll have gained a deeper knowledge of your needs, boundaries, and deal breakers. Your internal wisdom provides direction when all else feels uncertain.

The grief, shock, and bewilderment after betrayal can feel all-consuming. But the fog does lift in time. Healing happens through sitting with uncomfortable emotions, practicing self-care, seeking support, and allowing your inner guidance to emerge. You will regain stability and clarity. With compassion for yourself and loved ones, you’ll navigate this challenging time. The path forward will reveal itself when you’re ready.