Some time back, as I was learning about all of the terminology surrounding betrayal trauma, I began to learn so many things I had been so ignorant to.  I lived in a bubble of ‘trust’…believing on such a deep level every single thing I was told from my husband, that I really lived in a blindness.  Today, I’m so shocked by that blindness since I’m now a few years past the trauma.  After shining a light on it all for so long now, it’s hard to believe I never saw it before.

But…one thing I did was delve into various topics surrounding betrayal & narcissism and one that kept coming up in my counseling sessions and in my own research was the intricate subject of gaslighting. As I started unraveling ‘gaslighting’ (which, btw, I had NEVER heard of pre-betrayal trauma), I began to see all of the ‘aha’ moments from my story come to light.

Let’s embark on our journey by grasping the fundamental concept of gaslighting. At the heart of betrayal lies deception, a tangled web of lies that leaves betrayed partners reeling with each unveiled untruth.  Gaslighting, a term derived from the 1944 film “Gaslight,” embodies this insidious psychological manipulation, where reality becomes distorted to serve the manipulator’s agenda.

Gaslighting manifests in a few primary forms: the blatant lie, reality distortion, scapegoating, and coercion. When I was going through this trauma a few years ago, I feel like I became an expert on all things betrayal, manipulation, lies, and narcissism.  It’s uncanny, really, how much education I received in the mess of it all.  But, I hope all of that education can now help me unravel these things for others who are right now sitting in this place of disbelief…who have been blinded…who are reeling…and who blame themselves.  Today, we’ll dissect these forms of gaslighting, offering insight into their dynamics and impacts.

The Blatant Lie

Within the realm of gaslighting, the blatant lie serves as a formidable weapon, undermining trust and sowing seeds of doubt within the relationship. Whether concealing illicit activities or fabricating elaborate falsehoods, the gaslighter’s deceit inflicts profound wounds, leaving betrayed partners grappling with feelings of betrayal and self-reproach.  And these gaslighters will look the betrayed diretly in the eye, without wavering, and they will stick to their lie, making you feel like you’re going crazy!  I personally believed the lies…for YEARS!  Sad, yes…but now…after so much pain, so much growth, & so much education on it all, I’m much the wiser, & I can spot gaslighters, narcissists, & manipulators from miles away.  For THAT, I’m grateful for the ‘PHD’ I’ve gotten in this type of education (HA)!

Reality Distortion

The art of reality distortion epitomizes the gaslighter’s manipulation, shrouding truth in a veil of uncertainty and confusion. By invalidating their partner’s perceptions and experiences, gaslighters instill a pervasive sense of self-doubt, eroding confidence and destabilizing emotional well-being.

Consider a scenario where harmless concerns are met with vehement denial (like, I DID NOT!!), then those harmess concerns are twisted into accusations of paranoia and insecurity (literally the gaslighter saying, YOU’RE JUST PARANOID!!) when they full-well know your concern is valid and you are NOT paranoid.  They do this to ‘protect’ their own honor, and in doing so, they rip apart yours.  Gaslighters adeptly manipulate reality, leaving their victims questioning their own sanity amidst the tumult of deception.

When I discovered sexual infidelity in my marriage, I had proof.  I’d found things on the computer and cellphone that couldn’t be denied.  Yet the anger and rage that came at me when I addressed it was so bad, I was concerned for my personal well-being.  Rather than being sorrowful for having been caught in the horrid acts, I was raged at for having even LOOKED on the devices.  It was then that flip accusations began to arrise.  This is a common tactic.  The gaslighter will flip the narrative to further solidify the lies as being true.  So, for example, they get so angry at the discoveries that they rage, then they start blame-shifting, calling you a prude, telling you they’ve never had with you what they wanted, & throwing out all sorts of hurtful things.  And over time, you begin to believe them. This was my sad reality.  THIS is how the ‘Reality Distortion’ version of gaslighting works.  It literally makes you feel like you’re going CRAZY!  Because…although you may even have PROOF of a particular behavior, they will flip it on you so fast that you’ll wonder if  YOU are the problem.  EVEN though you’ve been the faithful one, you have not had sexual or emotional affairs, & you have protected your marriage — they will gaslight you so well that you’ll think you have multiple personalities and that you have lost your own grip on reality!  The gaslighting tactic of ‘reality distortion’ is a DEVASTATING one for the betrayed!  But over time, & lots of research and education, healing practices, therapy, & reality checks with others, you’ll recognize it is THEM who are the problem, not you!

Let’s delve deeper into the intricate world of gaslighting, peeling back the layers to reveal its subtle yet destructive manifestations.

Scapegoating

At its core, scapegoating entails deflecting blame onto another to absolve oneself of responsibility. Within the realm of infidelity, scapegoating becomes a covert tool for cheaters to justify their actions. (I talked about this a bit under the ‘reality distortion’ section) Picture this: a partner picks a fight, becoming self-righteous in the ensuing argument. In their mind, they paint their significant other as lacking empathy or being overly critical, thus rationalizing their own indiscretions. Alternatively, scapegoating may take a more overt form, with the unfaithful partner openly criticizing their spouse’s appearance, personality, or perceived shortcomings. For betrayed partners, navigating this web of blame becomes a Herculean task, blurring the lines between personal responsibility and manipulation.

Coersion

Coercive behavior spans a spectrum, ranging from subtle manipulation to outright bullying or violence. My counselor would call this person the ‘sweet talker’ or the ‘charmer’.  Boy, did I resonate with this when she described it.  She described this person as someone who does a seductive dance, and this seductive dance was orchestrated to conceal deceit beneath layers of charm and charisma. Ooof…I understood this.  In my experience, I’d go from being raged at and blamed for the affairs & betrayal to being given bizarre gifts and kind words.  This back-and-forth dance kept me stuck in this place of ‘I don’t know what to do’ because in the heat of my initial discovery of betrayal, while I was REELING, I was also still DESPERATE for my husband’s attention and affection…so I’d CRAVE the ‘gift-giving & kind words’ portion of his coersion, not knowing it was damaging me more and more.  Gifts, compliments, and lavish gestures serve as distractions, masking the underlying duplicity. Yet, beneath this veneer lies a more insidious form of coercion. Verbal and emotional manipulation become tools of control, as partners are pressured into compliance. Consider the case of spouses who, over years, systematically convinced their partner they had a sexual deficiency (nonexistent, of course), all to justify their own infidelity. This is exactly what happened to me.  And this pattern of manipulation erodes trust and self-esteem, leaving victims grappling with a distorted sense of reality.

At the far end of the spectrum lies bullying and violence, where boundaries are violated with impunity. What is impunity?  The dictionary defines it as: exemption from punishment or freedom from the injurious consequences of an action.  So basically, they feel they can do whatever they want, and there will be no consequences!  Yelling, intimidation, and threats of harm become weapons of control, inflicting deep emotional wounds on the victim. For many, the realization of abuse becomes a bitter pill to swallow, yet acknowledgment is the first step toward healing. Sadly, this was my story.

In confronting these forms of gaslighting, it’s crucial to recognize them for what they are: emotional and psychological abuse. While the term “abuse” may be difficult to accept, the impact of manipulation on one’s sense of reality cannot be understated. Only by acknowledging these behaviors and taking responsibility for their impact can true healing begin.

As we navigate the complexities of gaslighting, we HAVE to remain vigilant in recognizing the signs and we have to remain steadfast in our pursuit of truth and healing. We must shed light on the dark corners of manipulation and reclaim the hijacking of our lives that occurs through gaslighting!