1,400 days ago I posted on social media for the last time. Disappeared. Many of you didn’t follow me closely enough to care…some of you have wondered but been afraid to ask. To be real, prior to my last post 1,400 days ago, I had already begun to hide away from the world — I was living in a state of loneliness I had never imagined possible. People were all around me yet I was lonely…I was very often in the fetal position…I felt like I was in the depths of despair…wanting to die. Literally.
In life we try so hard to live to the fullest. As God-created beings we are created to love, to nurture, to learn and grow, to experience this beautiful world…and, unfortunately (or fortunately, however you look at it) we are also made to suffer. Suffering was something I didn’t really understand fully. Of course, I knew pain…pain of childbirth, pain of losing loved ones, pain of moving far away from family, pain of financial stress, etc., but I’d never really considered those things to be serious suffering, just a necessary part of life. I understood that real suffering occurred in our world, that it was all around me, but never EVER had I experienced suffering to the degree that I was suddenly facing — suffering where I often couldn’t get myself out of the fetal position and my response was to hide and just, well…disappear. It’s what this Enneagram 9 naturally does…I hold things inside, hide from people, and suffer alone.
Where Do I Begin?
Quite honestly, I don’t even know where to begin as I write for the first time in so long. Over these past 1,400 days, I’ve rehearsed hundreds of social media or blog posts in my mind — things I might say the first time I re-enter the online space. In my mind I’ve written weepy posts, angry posts, everything in-between posts…I’ve been all over the place. Nothing ever seems to sit quite right. But never till now have I actually tried typing anything on ‘paper’ outside of my head. Today is the day…I’m quite unsure how this will go, but here goes nothing…
My Image – Portraying that Everything’s OK!
I had been trying to sort-of keep up that image of ‘everything’s ok’. I was actually going through terror, yet I couldn’t bring myself to share those things to the world. I used to believe I should never share the tough stuff…because really, just because I’m having a rough time, should I REALLY dump that on others? While I would agree that far TOO many people share way too much online via social media by way of trash-talking, grumbling and complaining, taking out their bad day on others, or hating on others because of varying views, I also believe that far too many people hide behind the mask of ‘happiness’ in such a way that it is inauthentic.
In reality, they’re just NOT doing well, they’re NOT ok…that’s not real life. It’s tempting to post only the good things, and make people think our life is so perfect. I had started to live behind that mask — faking that life was good. I finally came to a crushing point and had to stop, which for me was to just get off social media and an online presence altogether…not with a big announcement, but to just disappear.
A bomb had gone off in my life and blew to bits everything I had loved, built, dreamed of…my very life dreams were shattered. Shrapnel was EVERYWHERE, and I was desperately trying to gather all of the pieces and put them all back together. Over time I have come to learn that I can’t. I have had to let the shrapnel lie there, and just crawl away…get out of the line of fire. I’ve had to come to grips with the reality that I have to re-create something new — to find a new identity, new dreams, new EVERYTHING! Piecing back together my past was impossible seeing the thousands of pieces that had been blown apart — there was NO WAY to put all of that back together in any way that would look anything similar to my previous life. So, sadly, I have had to crawl away from all the pieces of my beautiful past life, and I have had to re-start. I still don’t even really know what that means! I did NOT want to re-start, but I was not given a choice, the choice was stolen from me. The bomb that went off was thrown at me from my closest ally, and all I could do was watch the bomb come at me in slow motion, screaming as I watched it come toward me, desperately trying to run out of the way, yet not able to move my legs…my screams were silent, as if in a dream, and the bomb kept hurtling toward me. And when that bomb hit me, it was more horrific than anything I could have imagined…DEEP GAPING WOUNDS…but as I looked up, bomb after bomb after bomb kept hurtling toward me, ripping at my very core. When I looked around at the debris, it was the debris of my life sitting on top of me and all around me, blown to pieces! That was the heaviest weight I’ve ever felt. It’s indescribable, quite frankly, and tho I DID just try to describe it…it feels as if it doesn’t come close to explaining the depth of pain I experienced.
As I unfold my story of trauma on my blog posts, I will be sharing more on the effects of trauma on the brain, and the ways I found to help manage the mental trauma and pain. For now, this infographic is just a simple 4-step process that helped me work on next steps. Also, fill out the form below to stay up-to-date as I continue to share my story over time…
While I’ve been off of social media or anywhere online for approximately 4 years, I had already been living in a dark, cold, wet, and lonely alleyway (metaphorically speaking) for 3-4 years prior to that but I kept masking it to the world. I kept being mama…I kept smiling on Social Media…but what I DID was hide away in real life. I hid in my home, I quietly did my mama stuff, my home life stuff, and I suffered in silence for a very long time — partly because by nature I’m an introvert, but also because I honestly didn’t know what else to do — I didn’t know who to turn to, where to run…and at the time, I didn’t even know all the reasons WHY I was in such a dark and lonely place — the bomb hadn’t exploded yet, it was just ticking away. I had 4 kids still at home at the time, I had a husband — those are the things I cared about the most…so what exactly was the problem? My gut was sensing something, & God was nudging me, but little did I know he was allowing me to be taken to a place where my world would be turned upside down. I followed His prompting that was guiding me to seek out discovery and help. Some days I almost wish my gut wasn’t trying to tell me to dig and discover…I just didn’t want life to change…I LOVED my life. But, the sense that I needed to dive into discovery never left me, and I finally had to search for clues and also turn to someone for help. That started the long process of discovery which basically meant I stepped on the land mine that caused the explosion, but I didn’t know it until I had stepped OFF of it and it exploded me into a million pieces. Actually, I had been happily laying on the land mine for years, having NO CLUE what was under me until it was too late.
As I started to see my way through the smoke and crawl through the rubble, I was being reminded again and again that I was not created to do life alone. BUT…this Enneagram 9 didn’t WANT to tell anyone, I wanted to stay in hiding. However, God’s nudge was strong, & I was feeling that call to seek out help. That process began opening me up to being transparent with a few safe people, then some counselors. For YEARS I wanted to just keep my pain a secret, but over time, I’ve learned that doesn’t help anyone, myself included.
Rebuilding Confidence Though I Wanna Hide…
Now, I know I’m speaking in a lot of life metaphors here, ‘bombs and life exploding, and grueling pain’, and as time allows and I rebuild my confidence to speak out, I will share more clearly, but for now, suffice it to say that I have NEVER, and I mean NEVER experienced pain like I’ve experienced over the course of these 8-10 years, with the last 4 years being the most excruciating of them. Childbirth was a breeze compared to this pain, even losing my dear father to death was so much easier than the betrayal trauma I’ve faced (I HATE even saying that, but it’s true). Hopefully I will find the courage to slowly unfold my trauma to you and boldly speak it out. Why? Why even ever get back on here and share ever again? Why not just keep hiding? It would honestly be easier! But…I’ve felt a calling to be brave and vulnerable, and to share it out just like others shared with me — others who were further ahead of me in their own betrayal trauma experiences who literally helped save my life because of their willingness to share. Selfishly I kind of want to just move to the country, go off-grid, and never re-enter the world of social media again. (actually, I DO want to live off-grid in real life, but not because I feel the need to hide anymore, just simply because I LOVE the idea of simple living and sustainable living…but, I get off track, that’s for another post LOL) I was saying…selfishly I kinda want to just stay off of the online space, but I have felt led for a long time now to open up and if it even helps one person, then so be it. And if it doesn’t even do that, but it just clears up curiosity for some people who are wondering where in the world I went, then so be it.
I will have to share more over time, but let’s just say that in this betrayal trauma experience I’ve had, I was diagnosed with severe and complex PTSD… that’s VERY hard for me to say. I also experienced severe short-term memory loss, which was affecting everything…the problem was that I didn’t KNOW I was experiencing it because when you don’t remember something, well, you don’t remember that you’re not remembering something…so you have no idea you have a memory issue. MEH! That was a tough one for me to come to grips with! I will say this — Yes, I’ve faced betrayal trauma so painful…pain unlike anything I ever thought I could endure, but step by step I believe God has led me along the way. This trauma was due to me being a victim of someone else’s actions — it was not self-inflicted. So, the struggle in dealing with abuse and being a ‘victim’ has been real and STRONG. But, I believe God led me to the right people, those I needed to share with first to feel safe. I believe he led me to my first counselor, and gave me the courage to even seek it out. I believe he led me to recovery programs like LifeStar and REGEN. I believe he led me to become more and more comfortable with sharing my story so that I could heal. He led me to another counselor who did EMDR therapy for my severe PTSD. He led me to a counselor who did Neurofeedback therapy for my memory loss. He led me to pastors and mentors to help me work through my pain and turn my focus on God. When I felt I had lost everything, God was there. He comforted me. I cried to him. I screamed to him. I wept desperate tears to him. I begged him. I let it all out to him, and truly, I don’t know where I would be right now if I didn’t have a God who heard me and healed me. Some might say, ‘well, why did God even allow this trauma in the first place?’ Honestly…I don’t know, and I’ve asked God the same thing many many times! What I DO know is that God is not a puppeteer who just moves our strings to do as He wishes. He gives us guidelines, and ultimately He gives us our own ability to make our own choices, so I don’t blame God for what has happened to me. A human made a choice to harm me, not God. What I also know is that in the Bible it says ‘He never leaves us or forsakes us’, and that’s a promise I cling to. I also know that with anything in life, what grows us the most? Suffering. Period. It stinks. It is horrific at times. But growth can’t happen without it. Many of you know that I’ve been in the health and wellness arena for many years. Well, suffering is like building muscle. You can’t build muscle without tearing down those muscles and causing them to literally break and hurt. When you lift weights your muscles tear — and it’s the REBUILDING of those muscles that causes you to get stronger. This is literally physical science. It’s the same way with mental or emotional suffering. Dark and difficult times (aka, suffering) are what can grow us into stronger individuals. I can only guess that God saw I needed to grow…that I was stagnant…that I needed a depth to me that I wasn’t getting with my good good life. And yes, I see it as his loving mercy that allowed me to suffer so that I could grow.
Sounds Like It’s Been Easy, Right?
Now…I say that and it sounds so smooth and easy and like I just accept it so nicely. Let me be VERY clear! I have NOT always accepted it so nicely. I am far enough into my recovery where I can honestly say I can accept it better now, but TRUST ME…throughout this process of healing, there have been MANY times where I have not been so accepting of my suffering, and I have yelled at God…I have screamed out in disagreement at what he was allowing to happen in my life…I have been ANGRY…I have wept bitter bitter tears again and again and again, and that’s SOMETHING for me because I’ve never been a ‘crier’. When betrayal trauma entered my life, it seemed like I was always a bawling heap of tears. The weeping, pain, & agony have aged me. I have more wrinkles, which I’m desperately trying to come to grips with. 🙂 I have yelled at the walls of my car screaming that I deserve a life of Botox and massages (LOL) from the abuser who did all of this to me. I deserve payback from loss after loss after loss. I have felt deserving of so much more than I’ve gotten. But then when I come to my senses, I realize that I DO want growth in my life, and if this kind of dark trauma is what it takes, then I have learned to accept it and find true joy and contentment in the aftermath. It’s honestly quite amazing at how we can heal as humans. I remember 4 years ago there was not even a SLIVER of light at the end of the tunnel! And I could NOT see that it would ever appear. It just seemed like darkness would be my story for LIFE! I’d NEVER find joy again. I’d NEVER truly smile with authenticity again. I’d NEVER be content. I’d ALWAYS live in fear. I’d ALWAYS live with a feeling of worthlessness. I’d ALWAYS feel like I wanted to die but couldn’t. BUT…God. Truly. After much very hard work spiritually, mentally, & emotionally, I can honestly say that I have joy, contentment, & worth again!
Despite the fact that the outcome wasn’t what I wanted and I have mourned that I couldn’t change things no matter how hard I tried, I have been able to work through all of the terror to find hope and peace once again. I don’t see any way that would have been possible without God. You may not see that, but I can’t see it any other way. And yes, I still get triggered at times…I still can fall into despair, sadness, loneliness, depressive thoughts, worthlessness, fear, feelings of abandonment, and strong trauma feelings from abuse…I am NOT perfect. But, what I now have are tools…tools to go to that I’ve learned to help tell myself the truth of what God says about me. And…I have a God who listens and who sees all of my tears & catches all of my tears in a bottle.
I must end this post — if you’ve even gotten this far, bless you (HA)…this is a difficult thing for me to even brave getting back online and on social media, but I will try my best to continue to brave my fears and show up — not just in the good stuff, but the tough stuff as well. Being that this is my first post in so long, these are the words that came out as I placed my hands on the keyboard for the first time in 1,400 days. Fewf!
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