Scene from a Terrible Movie

I know with all my heart that you may feel completely alone and isolated in your trauma after dealing with an abusive person. Like something out of a terrible movie, the manipulation and cruelty you endured likely left you questioning reality and yourself.

Yet what may shock you is that your story is more common than you realize. The bazaar tactics you experienced at the hands of your abuser form clear patterns among the many people I’ve helped heal and thrive after similar relational devastation…and I’ve only been able to offer any kind of help because of my own experience with trauma and the deep dive I took into healing! (And for the record, I’m STILL on a continued journey of healing — because I am human, and hurts will arise again and again, so I will remain vigilant in my own daily decision to work on myself)

Learning you’re not alone can bring tremendous comfort and hope. So let’s shine light on what you’ve suffered through. Does the following sound familiar?

Grand Gestures Followed By Vicious Hate

An abuser may loudly profess endless love and admiration one moment, only to devalue, ridicule and betray you the next. They sweep you off your feet then stomp all over your heart.

When you assert boundaries or needs, count on being invalidated and accused. Every deal gets brokered in the abuser’s favor. They attack harder until you submit.

This extreme hot and cold dynamic creates trauma bonding – an addictive attachment resulting from power imbalances and intermittent affection. But it is not love. Victims stay trapped trying to win meager crumbs of caring between long famines of indifference or cruelty. When I was in the thick of things after discovering massive betrayal in my marriage, I dealth with this for a very long time!  I’d see crumbs of kindness, I DESPERATELY wanted my marriage to be healed & for my husband to get help, so I would fall for the kindnesses in desperation.  But it was a cycle…a horrifying and emotionally traumatizing cycle that left me so broken I could barely move.

Obsessive Thought Loops That Won’t Stop

Have you found yourself endlessly replaying scenes, questions and self-blame about the relationship? When anything triggers memories, do painful emotions take control of you – even draining you?

This obsessive rumination stems from the trauma imprint branding your nervous system.  When overwhelmed or violated, the brain can default to regressive loops seeking resolution or protective strategies.  No, I am NOT a psychologist, but having been through such deep trauma, I feel like I received a PHD in trauma…I read every book, article, listened to podcasts and psychologists galore, and I’ve learned everything I NEVER knew back then! In the thick of my trauma, I was HOUNDED with obsessive thoughts, fears, worries…I rarely slept (had about 3.5 years of horrible insomnia)…but when I DID sleep, my sleep was hijacked by horrific nightmares about the horrible acts done against me.

Left unhealed, these cycles cement neural pathways keeping you stuck in victimhood. But when properly supported, the mind can rewire out of learned helplessness into empowered independence.

No One Believes You

Few things compound abuse trauma more than being discredited or blamed by others. The charismatic charm and social standing abusers display in public belies the private demon lurking within. I have experienced some of this, and it’s no fun.  The grandiosity, the ‘fun-loving, kind’ personality they can show to others and on social media can be so disheartening and make us want to scream from the rooftops — “This person is NOT who you see, people!”

People will say, “But he/she is so nice!” — and when people sing your abuser’s praises, it distorts reality. You doubt yourself thinking “maybe it really is me”. But chronic gaslighting and projection should never masquerade as love or friendship.

Reconciling the painful cognitive dissonance requires connecting with those who validate your experience. You need a community who understands exactly what you’ve endured.

Ending this Horror Movie

So where does one turn when isolation and obsession threaten to break you? When nightmares of the past steal sleep and joy seems unimaginable?

What you need are people who have walked this road before you – People who faced similar atrocities yet emerged wiser, stronger and more empowered.

I highly encourage you to get into group therapy where you can meet other people who understand.  I got into a program just for that (wives of abusers), and it was so helpful to be alongside other women going through spousal betrayal and abuse.  I also got into a program at a local church called ‘REGEN’, which stands for ‘Regeneration’…it’s a program to help work through all kinds of hurts or hangups, and while each of the women in my group was struggling with something different than me, we were all together, and never alone, and we formed bonds during that year-long program that helped as we all nagivated our own challenges.

And now, I offer as much encouragement and help as I can to anyone struggling — I want you to have that supportive environment for true healing. Through education, mentoring and spiritual growth, & my own experience of abuse and trauma, I can help guide victims toward unpacking trauma, establishing healthy boundaries, releasing anger, and rediscovering inner peace.

I can promise that freedom from obsessive thought loops is possible. By learning to process grief and make meaning from madness, you reclaim your life.

My Process Transformed Me from Victim to Victor

Things I’ve learned in my years dealing with abuse, betrayal, and staying a victim for too long.  These steps are invaluable to healing:

1. CONNECT: End the isolation by sharing your story without judgement, validating your experience.  It took me a long time to do this because I was embarrassed…I wanted to isolate.  But I kept hearing that telling my story was the beginning step to my healing journey, so I finally went for it, and I’ve never looked back!
2. LEARN: Education on abuse dynamics empowers clarity breaking confusion and false narratives.  This is where you read, you listen, you go to therapy, EMDR, read articles on abuse, betrayal trauma, narcissistic abuse, etc.  I really became a studier of all things relationship-oriented, and I learned so much I NEVER knew…and the education helped to free me as I step-by-step learned what I should and should NOT allow to be done to me!
3. RELEASE: Express anger and grief to discharge traumatic energy stored physically and emotionally.  How can you do this?  Take a fighting class.  Go take a drive in your car and scream, yell, and say everything you need to say to those walls in your vehicle.  “If my car could talk”…boy, would it have a story to tell! LOL  Go for a long walk, a jog…get out pent-up energy.  Go to a place where you can break things, take some things from your relationship that hurt you (past gifts, etc), and have a demolish session.  This may sound funny, but it can be very cathartic — and it saves you from hurting yourself or anyone else around you.  Take out your anger on ‘things’ not people! 🙂
4. REPROGRAM: Rewire negative thought loops and limiting beliefs into grounded truths reestablishing trust.  Let’s face it — trust has been MASSIVELY crushed.  Who CAN we trust, who CAN we believe has our best interestes in mind?  Well, this is a process, but for me, I’ll say that first and foremost, I believe in a God of the universe who created me and who loves me and hears my cries and prayers.  The Bible says so, and I am someone who has a strong faith and believes the words of the Bible to be true.  I’m not writing this to debate, because if you get me into a debate, I’ll literally freeze up and my brain will turn to mush. This is how my brain works HA HA…I don’t like human conflict, so if someone is wanting to argue something with me, I lose all sense of any knowledge I once had. HA HA  Anyone else like this?  Anyway…I STRAY far from my point here. 
   My point is that we have to find ways to reprogram our thinking that has become so skewed due to the abuse, and so we have to figure out ways to rewire our thinking — God, prayer, and the Bible were one for me.  Counseling was another.  Good community of friends who could vouch for my character and who believed me was another — that community could speak truth into me and becuase they were trusted individuals, it helped me grow my ‘trust’ muscle again, and it helped me tell my own brain the truth despite the lies that had been told to me for so long!
5. THRIVE: Integrate lessons into a thriving transformation where your life flourishes free from former obstacles.  I honestly never thought I’d actually ‘live’ again when I was in the heat of my trauma.  I had experienced so many dramatic LOSSES that I couldn’t imagine ever truly ‘living’ again.  In fact, for a very long time, the pain and agony were SO GREAT that I literally wanted to die…I BEGGED God to just let me die so I could escape the massive pain inflicted on me by the betrayal and abuse. I never thought I’d find true joy again, truly thinking that happiness would elude me the rest of my days on earth.  BUT…GOD.  BUT amazing programs, people, and PRAYER!  So sticking with programs, people, and I’ll be bold enough to say…God (if you’ve never experienced him, maybe give him a try, because God has truly been a HUGE part of my healing) — BUT it is my strong experience that you truly CAN THRIVE again!

These above practices uplift us from victims into survivors, then warriors, then individuals who are thriving — awakened to our true worth.

Take My Hand

Here is what I know can happen when you join hands walking this road:

Letting Go Of Obsessive Thoughts: By processing trauma in a safe place, rumination releases its grip on the mind, enabling peace.

Escaping Toxic Relationships: You gain skills to build and enforce strong boundaries that abusive tactics cannot penetrate. (I wrote an ebook on setting boundaries.  You really should read it! — CLICK HERE to download it!)

Removing Emotional Triggers: Compulsive fight-or-flight responses can be calmed through reorienting the nervous system — it’s amazong that our brains can do this!

Rediscovering Joy and Passion: Energy once depleted by managing chaos gets redirected toward creative outlets and nurturing community.  Life can be good again — I’m living proof!

Rebuilding An Exciting, Fulfilled Life: Vibrant new horizons stretch out before you in relationships, adventures and personal goals. I’ve made so many new friendships over these years I’ve dealt with the ups and downs of trauma.  Some of my closest friends today are from discovery that we were experiencing similar abuse & traumas.

When you reach out your hand to in trust and commitment, I promise to walk with you.  It may be an email, a phone call, you reading my ebook, or just following me on social media.  Whatever it is, I will not stop pressing into pain and healing, and I will not give up sharing that joy, possibility, and freedom bloom brightly before you. Please feel free to email me at : contact@kellyjnickel.com if you’d like to connect!

Oh yes – not just surviving, but THRIVING joyfully still awaits you.

Take my hand. The first step begins now.